In between his sweatin’ and grunting, a colleague at The Gym was telling me about the problems he was having at home recently, with his family. It started with the fact that things weren’t going all that great with his wife, and then it went downhill from there. Their communication had eroded to the point of practical non-existence. “And now,” Jon said with a breathy sigh in between sets, “our kids are acting just like we are. And it’s not good.”

With my encouragement, Jon pressed on about how the break he felt in his heart every time he thought about his two kids was getting bigger. Tim and Susie, ages twelve and fifteen, were getting caught up in all the adult negativity at home. They hardly spoke to each other, nor their parents for that matter, and when they did, it was usually as if it came out of their parents’ mouths: harsh words filled with sarcasm and resentment. To make matters worse, the tension the family and children were experiencing at home had now spilled over to school. Tim and Susie’s grades were declining in rapid fashion and they both had been guilty of acting out on numerous occasions in and out of class. When I pressed Jon about how he was reacting to all his newfound family adversity, he replied simply, “Not very well.”

Jon said he was now filled with the same anger his wife had been expressing at home for months. They had both become toxic and verbally abusive. They treated each other with little respect. And they spent more time degrading one another than actually sitting down and listening to what the other had to say. It was much easier that way. Then Jon would find himself overreacting to each little emotional trigger his wife would pull on a daily basis, and all disagreements, small and large, were now virtually assured of escalating into something resembling Armageddon.

And the kids were witnesses to everything! The words. The anger. The imbalanced emotions.

The ears and emotions of innocence were now indirectly soaking up all the hostilities and negative energies generated by the parents against each other. It was like Jon’s children were continuously breathing in second hand smoke because their parents couldn’t afford not to light up. It was toxic for the children! It was dividing the family! And it was all preventable! Jon and his wife had become unwitting, bad-influence peddlers of their out-of-control mental-emotional reactive patterns. Their children, who were unable to escape their hostile environment, soaked it all up like double thick paper towels. Tim and Susie were now exhibiting the same negative reactive patterns at home and at school. Jon knew some major adjustments were in order; he just didn’t know where to begin. He had already tried getting his wife and family therapy, but his wife outright rejected the idea. The kids were cold to his approach as well. Jon found himself at wits’ end – and alone – and still had no idea of where to go next.

WHAT BUCKY SAYS ABOUT “CHANGE”

I told Jon about inventor, architect, engineer, mathematician, poet, and cosmologist, Buckminster Fuller, and what he once had to say about change. “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”

If Jon truly wanted to save his family, this was something he was going to have to do; build a new family model – from scratch. It’s the same with any type of pre existing system that isn’t working in our lives, like a bad job, where we might find ourselves in an intolerable situation, governed and surrounded by negative people who tend to generate a lot of drama. Rather than staying and fighting through the daily peaks and valleys of a no-win situation, we can create an entirely new solution.

But the key is to act now – to work with our most powerful moment. We can’t fall back into the mindset of it being “us against them.” This is the death knell of any family setting. As with all life – in the family environment there truly is no separation of well-being. We are One through interconnection of consciousness and energy. What affects one family member invariably affects all family members, for good or for bad. If we can figure out how to lift ourselves up by our consciousness, our families will rise with us. All living things will rise with us. So, instead of polarizing against his wife and kids, and fighting against each other at home, Jon, and his family, could begin anew. They could create an entirely new reality that reflects their newfound Oneness and makes the previous concept of separation obsolete. They could become a Family of One.

At this very moment Jon possesses the ability to draw the power of his attention away from the illusion of separation and redirect it toward Oneness at Home. When he recognizes issues between him and his wife or with the kids that do not reflect Oneness of Family, with respect and admiration for each member, he can bring Light to the situation by transmuting the negative energies. He can place his complete focus of consciousness; his thoughts and emotions, his words and his actions, and he can use them to begin creating what it is that he wants in its place.

All he has to do is FOCUS his feelings, thoughts, actions, and words on bringing an entirely new reality of Oneness into his home, filled with heart-felt communication and admiration, and respect for all things. Focus. Create. A new kind of reality at home.

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